:: heretics and killers. ::

:: Wednesday, May 23, 2012 ::

by association


i spent my night re-listening to City and Colour. Dallas Green, the same guy who made me ape crazy @ the alexisonfire gig in Nottingham, the very same guy who kept me quiet in my room, singing the very tunes, acoustic and soothing, singing to every single beat of my heart.

all of us possess a subconscious habit of associating moments with the songs we listen to. Jimmy Eat World's Futures album pains me, Reliant K's Mmhmm album brings a feeling of dread and joy at the same time, Deftones' White Pony brings me back to the moment my dad drove our car before it was sold off.

and tonight, my attention goes to City and Colour's latest offering. it was me, mapping that moment to new music. perhaps in due time when i re-listen to this album, i'd think about this quiet that im experiencing.


::end::

:: antimarx 12:53 AM [+] ::
...

In Memoriam In Advance - From First To Last


Clarity
Please speak to me
Clarity
Please speak to me

I've had this feeling so long
Let it out
I've had this feeling so long
Let it out
I've had, I've had...

When everything is gone
When everything has fallen out of place
Who will remember me?
Who will remember ?
Who will remember...


::end::

:: antimarx 10:28 PM [+] ::
...

acceptance


i was on the way home from dinner with my family today. and there i was sitting quietly on the bus when i began thinking, as i always do, about the closest people in my life.

that was when i accepted it - that i truly am lonely. all these years i pride on being self sustaining, to be able to operate life as it is as a lone ranger. but on the bus today, of all days, i suppose it struck me that maybe i've been lying to myself all the while. ive been living an illusion. simply because i never had to feel lonely before. i know im always surrounded by wonderful people.

truth be told, we all reach a point where everyone is at a juncture where they begin leading their lives separately. a mutually exclusive life that will thrive with or without your presence. at this moment, i think im at that point. seeing how these people are getting married, moving/moved overseas, splintering into their careers... i suppose i could do with a bit of companionship.

i am very sad right now.


::end::

:: antimarx 11:22 PM [+] ::
...

tread


on a hindsight, i shouldn't have walked along the drenched pathway in the park. not especially after a rainy day. i hate frogs.


::end::

:: antimarx 11:36 PM [+] ::
...

7.5km


in 50mins. not too shabby for an old man. though when i was in the toilet i swear the water mark on the floor was shaped like lungs.


::end::

:: antimarx 12:40 AM [+] ::
...

holy cow!

 ok. i know the last time i blogged was late in March. but having not logged on to my blogger account for slightly more than a month... im actually kinda lost in the midst of the new interface right now. but the show must go on, no?


27

and so the 'big day' came and went without much of a fanfare. every year, for days leading up to my birthday, i would always have tons of thoughts swirling in my head. suffice to say, its gotten to a point where i began accepting that im older than i look... than i THINK i am.

its kinda sad cuz i always feel young - however the number is but a reminder of how close i am to being a true adult. it didnt help that when i went running the other day, the one thing primarily on my mind was my tummy. i didnt use to have that sort of panic-reaction when i ran. it used to be all about fitness and keeping up with my weekly sports. nowadays its about maintaining whatever good that remains of my body. i let thoughts of collapsing at the end of my run crawl into my head. damn those newspaper reports.

even as im snacking on my favourite fake , orange prawn crackers now, i subconsciously rub my tummy after a few munches. im getting old and no amount of pretence can change that.

being 3 years away from 3 decades of being alive makes you miss a lot of people and phases. memories that are supposedly fresh in my head are as distant as it can be. its been 20 years since primary 1, 15 years since my favourite uncle moved on, 10 years since junior college, 7 years since my grandmother, 5 years since the first day of university, 3 years since i let my heart flutter and 2 years since the trip of my life.

and then there's now. i spend my days trying to battle regret. convincing myself that i've taken the right path towards every goal i've set upon. sometimes i am triumphant. sometimes i lose. but beyond today, i'll never know how my mind will shape up.

one thing for sure is that i've grown up. grown a little more grouchy, yes. wiser, maybe. i just hope when the time comes, i'll look back at being 27 and think of it as a turning point in my life.

::end::

:: antimarx 10:53 PM [+] ::
...

empty

i suppose no one will ever know how it feels like to be in my position right now, unless the person really is in my position.

more than anything else, i've learnt to realise that mental drainage can really take a toll on you. i didnt know where my life took a turn for this.

being micro-managed on a daily basis, facing negative reinforcements and doing mental gymnastics for stretches of hours - that, i can take.

but over extending that situation and not being able to be in the comfort of silence is sometimes a little too much to take.

i've always known that life isnt easy. but to be experiencing it as it is, well that's something no one can be prepared for. all the talk about housing and settling down in a country that treats you like a second class citizen, i dont know how long people like us can last.

time to rest.



::end::

:: antimarx 12:08 AM [+] ::
...

A Lack of Color

im still haunted by the fact that i may not live long enough to see how everything pans out - especially for the ones i love.


::end::

:: antimarx 1:03 AM [+] ::
...